BRUSSELS – On Tinder, Daphné wanted to let potential partners know that she is liberal. But using another dating app – Inner Circle, which doesn’t allow you to express your political beliefs – she finally met her now ex-boyfriend.
Not that she cared too much at that moment. In the midst of the pandemic, Daphne, who asked not to use her real name for privacy reasons, chose not to worry too much about political differences.
As we will find out, it didn’t work out.
Daphné is one of the thousands of singles working in the Brussels bubble looking for love. But inside that bubble are people from across the political spectrum, and – horror! – they don’t always agree. And with two wars raging and a predicted increase in support for the far right in European elections, that divide could become even wider.
Marjorie Libourel, a Brussels-based matchmaking and relationship expert, said she had noticed growing political intolerance. One recent client, she said, was a right-winger who specifically asked not to be associated with a left-winger.
“There’s definitely a tendency to have almost a mirror effect — a narcissism when people want to date themselves,” said Libourel, who has spent the past six years helping people find their soulmates.
“I would never compare a conservative to a vegan Marxist who doesn’t believe in capitalism — there’s no way that’s going to work,” Libourel explained.
Back to Daphne and her ex-boyfriend (whom we’re not naming for obvious reasons). He’s conservative, she’s a progressive feminist – but at first it didn’t matter. When things went wrong, they had already moved in together.
Although she’s always held views on the right side of the political spectrum, Daphne says her boyfriend began dabbling in anti-wake literature and “expressing increasingly strong sentiments in favor of the Israeli government,” often repeating stories that deeply upset me. ”
As the political gulf between the two grew, Daphne became increasingly uncomfortable at family gatherings filled with right-wing ideology and spicy anti-Palestinian rhetoric. “They just assumed I agreed with them,” she said.
Then came the Hamas attacks on Israel on October 7, 2023.
“Our arguments became increasingly heated,” she said. “It was no longer a question of acceptance or disagreement: our values were at stake.”
They separated a few weeks later.
In the world of dating apps, filtering out those with opposing viewpoints is a reality.
According to Micheal Kaye, assistant director of global communications at OkCupid, a dating app that matches profiles based on a wide range of questions: “Some (European) countries have a higher rate of people seeking dates with the same political views as the U.S. States. States. »
Kaye said that in France, over the past three years, 75 percent of people surveyed on OKCupid said they would prefer to date someone who shares their political views, compared to 56 percent in the United States. Elsewhere in Europe, the figures were 73 percent in Spain. and 67 in Germany.
It might also explain why France, where former centrist parties have been virtually wiped off the political map, is the only EU country to have a dating app aimed at supporters of just one camp. The goal of Droite au coeur, a right-wing dating platform, is to “connect women and men who are proud of our country and share the same values.”
It’s not just apps that highlight and promote the separation between romance and politics. In Brussels, the NGO Fossil Free Politics organized a Valentine’s Day event called “Never Kissed a Lobbyist” after the British slogan “Never Kissed a Tory”, used by politicians and opponents of the Conservative Party.
Can you keep politics out of the bedroom?
That’s what Georgia, a twenty-something professional based in Brussels, tried to do in her previous long-term relationship. Georgia (not real name) went so far as to call for a moratorium during the 2020 US presidential election in which Joe Biden was up against Donald Trump.
In fact, there was tension or arguments every time her then-boyfriend, who was then working for a far-right member of the European Parliament, said something in favor of the right-wing firebrand. “It was very personal for me, even though he only saw it from afar,” said Georgia, who is half-American.
The call to separate the personal and the political did not work and the couple parted ways soon after.
“I was very insecure about raising children with such different political views in terms of what you pass on to the next generation. For example, what values are important to you? said Georgia, who added that she got back into cycling after breaking up with her car-loving boyfriend who made it clear he didn’t like cyclists.
If some couples seem to be more successful at keeping political differences at bay, it’s often because the divide isn’t that big anyway.
Miguel, who shares Renew’s liberal views, said the ideological divide with his Danish girlfriend, who works for the Greens, allows for “really heated debates, but never to the breaking point.”
For example, when it comes to climate change, he said, “we both agree that this is a life-and-death situation.”
“What we disagree on,” he added, “is about the role that governments and the private sector should play – who should pay for it.” »
However, Miguel admitted that they steered clear of potentially more controversial topics, such as the war in the Middle East. “It’s very delicate… we’ve avoided discussions and are just looking at the facts,” he said.
As for Daphne, whose former views have become more right-wing, she said: “It’s impossible to leave our politics (behind) because the way our lives are built is because of politics.” »
“Politics is in everything, whether we like it or not, so we can’t just say take politics out of it. »